When does love come?‎

Where ever I look, I only see pregnant women say they are shinning with happiness, feeling the most complete and uttermost joy of their lives and since I came to this world to be a mother I had no doubts I would feel the same. The reality is, for the first 3 months I didn’t even want to celebrate, the doctor in me wouldn’t let. Then it passed and reason said ok you may relax a bit now but still there is so much that can go wrong so you better wait. I feel horrible sometimes thinking that how can I think such horrible things? Why can’t I love him completely yet? Why doesn’t all this fear just go away? Then comes the guilt, I must be the worst mother already.

But then it occurred to me, what if all this fear could only mean love? And I came to the conclusion that it does, cause no matter what, I also imagine this little project I have inside of me to be the my best one yet, and he will have loads of dark hair (of this I am sure) and black eyes so big and so alive that you could sink into them in a blink. When he smiles at me, I will not believe he can be mine because no one has ever created something so beautiful and illuminated yet!

I know love is here, ready to come out at any time, it will probably fill me from head to toe at the very moment his lungs fill with air for the first time and maybe then I will be finally able to breath again.

P.S: After you are born, no more tap dancing on my bladder ok?